Author Archives: Shenni

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Single on Valentine’s day?

Category:breakup help,heartbroken,self-care,Uncategorised Tags : 

Are you feeling sad about being alone on valentines day? Well I’m here to tell you that you are not alone! People all around are feeling especially lonely and bored coming up to valentines day this year. Here are my top tips to survive this valentines day as a single:

1) put dating on hold. Ok at the moment this isn’t exactly much of a choice BUT tell yourself you are choosing to do this. Use the mantra ‘I am hitting pause on dating for a while’. Don’t get me wrong, you should continue to socialise with people remotely where possible but maybe consider not investing seriously in anyone during the pandemic.

2) write yourself a love letter. Really take time for yourself. Relax and get to know YOU. Write yourself a letter to celebrate all the things you are proud of and all the progress you have made.

3) Stay off social media for a day. If you know you are gonna feel salty over the #couplegoals hashtags then avoid it for one day!

4) Treat yourself. Spend whatever you would have spent on your partner, on yourself. You deserve it! Grab a takeaway and just treat yourself for a day.

5) connect with your single friends. Galentines day will also always be a thing! Have a virtual dinner date with a fellow single and share some laughter and fun. They may need it as much as you do!

Reach out to us if you are finding it hard being single on valentines day or just in general- your first telephone chat is free!

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How to date during lockdown

Category:relationship,Uncategorised Tags : 

How to date during lockdown. Recently, I have often been asked about this. ‘How am I supposed to meet someone new if I can’t go anywhere!?’ Well, humans are made to socialise- it’s in our DNA! This isn’t just about romantic relationships either. This goes for non-romantic relationships too. During a time like this, socialising is going to be more of a challenge but here are my top tips to help you.

1. Use this time to be more selective about the person you choose to talk to. At a time like this, priorities change a little, if what you want is someone who looks like a Victoria’s secret model just also remember to look at their personal qualities. This is what is going to keep your interest if you aren’t able to see each other. All jokes aside, know what your relationship boundaries are and what your criteria is for a partner. Use the extra alone time lockdown gives you to take more care to find what you really want.

2. Meet remotely with people enough times to know whether you will want to eventually meet in person. This offers more emotional protection and you can get to know a lot about someone through a video date. Ok, so ‘I can’t hear you, you might be on mute’ isn’t the most romantic of sentences but you can really use this chance to make a more informative and genuine impression of someone. (without the vodka shots and that ‘I can’t feel my face’ song booming in the background)…….

3. When you know they are someone you are comfortable with and want to know more about, go for that social distanced walk together (provided you live nearby and aren’t breaking the law).

4. Have a ‘remote’ movie night together (but apart). Both of you can get snacks in and pick a movie together, then go on video call to be able to see each others reactions to plot points and so you can still spend time together even if apart!

5. Don’t be afraid to ask important questions. This may even be easier NOT in person! Take advantage of that and make sure you aren’t investing too much emotionally before you have the answers to the questions that are important to you.

Hopefully you enjoyed our blog today about how to date during lockdown. If you need one-on-one support or guidance with a coach, book your first FREE chat with us here.

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How to get over a breakup

Category:breakup help,heartbroken Tags : 

How to get over a breakup, according to a relationship breakup expert.

1. Gain understanding of the processes happening inside your mind. Your brain functions differently during a breakup. You are effectively getting over an addiction because that’s what your ex became. You will become desperate and behave out of character. So, speak to someone who can explain what’s taking place in your mind.

2. Stop thinking you need ‘closure’. This is masking the desire to get back with your ex. You think by speaking to them once more you will figure outa way to fix things. Instead, work on accepting you just weren’t meant to be together. Speak to someone who can help you. Our breakup coach here offers a free 20 minute chat if you click here.

3. Unfriend them on social media. This includes any mutual friends you follow, if their posts are causing you to feel unhappy. or even if it’s just leading you to keep checking if there’s any sign of them on things. Do what you need to do to feel better. You can always reach out to people again once you get past the worst of it.

4. Recognise that your mind is reinforcing the positive moments and happy times you shared. Speak to someone and balance out those thoughts with realistic events that took place to counter balance the good ones. I can help you with this.

5. Try new things. When your friends tries to drag you out the house to go out for fresh air, GO! Force yourself to go out and do things because you need to boost your confidence back up. Try new things and go to new places with people. Break your usual routine and spend quality time with people you didn’t get round to spending time with when you were caught up in your relationship.

If you are going through a breakup, get in touch with us here today!

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love healthy relationship

How to build a healthy relationship

Category:relationship,Uncategorised Tags : 

How to build a healthy relationship. Do you want to feel connected to your partner and are seeking the unconditional, healthy relationship everyone talks about?

All relationships take work and dedication, its not always going to be easy. You need to have a willingness to adapt to your partner and change in a positive way based on these adaptations. Whether you have been together for what feels like forever or you are single and just want tips for your next relationship.

Learn how to build a relationship that is satisfying and happy, here are my top tips to find fulfilment and lasting happiness.

Top 10 tips:

1.Spend quality time together

You fall in love and stay in love by looking at and listening to one another. Being attentive can help sustain longer term happiness. It becomes harder to find time to spend together what with life demands and you are likely used to the new exciting feeling of having first got together. This will feel like a significant switch when you end up living together, doing the ‘life’ stuff together. DO NOT allow this to make you forget how important it is to spend quality time together. Regularly connect over things when you spend time together- let technology take a back seat and really focus on the time you are spending with your partner. Find a joint hobby or activity that you both enjoy and do this regularly. Try new things together and have adventures together! This is supposed to be your life partner and team mate so make plans to do amazing things together and carry those out. Make memories and go on brilliant journeys together.

2. Communicate openly.

Effective communication helps to maintain a strong, lasting romantic relationship. How else will they know what your needs are? Its either: communicate and have your needs met thus have a good connection with your partner, or: Don’t have your needs met and feel like the connection is lacking. Make the right choice! Communication is also about taking note of non-verbal cues- your partner will respond differently to uncomfortable or tense situations. Your partner may want a hug after a stressful day whereas you may just want to sit together and talk. Make sure that what you say matches your body language. It’s no good saying ‘I’m fine’ but then looking away and crossing your arms over. Be very aware of how you are coming across non-verbally.

3. Don’t push your expectations onto your partner

Do not push your expectations on to your partner. If you have set expectations that your partner does not want to or can’t meet, it is not healthy to try to push these onto them. These are expectations you have set therefore it is never fair to expect someone else to reach all of these. Compromise is important, nobody is perfect and you need to be able to accept your partner for all of their quirks as well as the good stuff without expecting perfection.

4. Maintain a good relationship with yourself

If you had hobbies before your relationship such as working out, meeting the girls/boys for dinner and a catch up every couple of weeks, or other similar activities, it is important to maintain these. You need to have a life outside of your relationship. This doesn’t mean that you can’t make your relationship your priority. It means: sustain your own identity in order to prevent unhealthy pressure being put on your relationship.

5. Maintain a meaningful emotional connection with each other

Work hard to make your partner feel emotionally fulfilled and loved. This means, feeling accepted and valued by your partner. Some couples exist in amicable coexistence however this is not the same as being able to truly connect emotionally with your partner. Without this connection there may be a feeling of distance between you. Enjoy the little things you do together and make sure that you are always showing gratitude for all the things you adore about each other! Don’t get comfortable being comfortable. Keep it exciting, this way you will always enjoy your time together whilst feeling secure and at peace together.

6. Treat them how you want to be treated (yes its a cliché but really)

Agree your boundaries and don’t do things you know will hurt their feelings. If there are things you would not be ok with them doing then don’t do them yourself! Get into the habit of having empathy in that you can put yourself in their position about how they might feel after you do something. It’s so important to ensure you are in tune with each other and know what the other likes and dislikes. Get into the habit of doing the good and avoiding the bad!

It is so important to focus on your relationship at all times not just some of the time. It takes ongoing attention and commitment to be truly happy and fulfilled in your relationship.

7. Keep physical intimacy alive

Touch is a fundamental part of our existence. Regular affectionate contact is so important in maintaining effective attachment and healthy connections. Holding hands, hugging and kissing are all just as important as sexual intimacy in keeping the romance alive. Be sensitive to what your partner likes and dislikes when it comes to physical intimacy. Even amongst a pressing workload or childcare duties it is so important to carve out time for physical intimacy with your partner.

8. Compromise, compromise and compromise

If you expect to get what you want all of the time then you need to seriously have a word with yourself, because you are leading yourself up to be disappointed. Both parties in a relationship need to put forward a reasonable exchange and learn to compromise. It is important that you both recognise what is important to each other and build a positive atmosphere.

9. Don’t make your goal during disagreements about ‘winning’

Do not always expect things to go your way ‘or else’. This attitude could make your partner feel trapped and like their feelings are not valid. This is very damaging to both your partner and your relationship. Perhaps this desire for everything to go your way stems from not having your needs met as a child. Or maybe it comes from years of not having your voice heard in previous relationships. But ultimately this is a damaging trait so needs to be dealt with before it causes damage. Your partner deserves to be heard and have their feelings validated as well.

10. Leave the past in the past

Do not drag old arguments or issues into the mix when you are feeling low or trying to resolve conflict. Do not try to assign old blame to things that should no longer be relevant. Look at the present situation and work on that. Be willing to let things go and don’t keep bringing them up! There is nothing more damaging to a relationship than bringing up old uncomfortable conversations and previous issues consistently. Once you have tackled an issue, agree to leave it there. Conflict is inevitable but make sure to fight fair when it happens!

I hope you enjoyed my top 10 ways of learning how to build a healthy relationship. If you need some one on support, book your free 20 minute chat with our relationship breakup coach here.

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Will we breakup because it was too soon to live together

Will we breakup because it was too soon to live together?

Category:relationship,Uncategorised Tags : 

Are you going through a breakup or through relationship challenges and wondering if it is due to the pressure that you both or one of you felt to live together before you might have been ready?

Given our current situation what with COVID, government rules have meant that there has been an increase in couples living together more quickly than they would have normally to protect their relationships. But this could end up being in vain.

To prevent this from becoming a negative thing there are steps that should be taken;

1) Don’t lose your boundaries. Remember to have some alone time, even if this is just in separate rooms.

2) If you have limited space, agree a timetable. For example, if you are both working from home put together a rota to make sure you aren’t squabbling over who gets to be in the office at a certain time.

3) Try to maintain some form of routine. If you would usually start work at 9 and finish at 5 try to make sure you still do this- turn your laptop off at 5. This will help you continue to make time for your relationship and/or family.

4) Be kind to yourself. These are not normal times so everything can’t be within your control. Less so than normal. If things aren’t perfect at the moment, try to let those little things go.

5) Expect that the people around you won’t be behaving completely normally. Be kind to yourself but to others as well. Perhaps your partner seems more grumpy than usual? Try to be understanding during a time of crisis. An outburst or argument doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble. In fact it’s healthy to release emotions.

If you are going through a breakup or you are struggling with you relationship, you can book your first session with me for free here.

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How to breakup with someone

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How to breakup with someone gracefully…it’s not an easy thing to do. Is it even possible? Well there are some things to know that may make it a little less painful not only in the moment you do the deed but also during the aftermath.

Breakups are unique. This means that one rule for one person may not work for another. My professional advice to my clients will always be based on the context of their own personal relationship and breakup. There are no simple answers but there are some important factors to always consider. Here is my top 5 list of things:

1- DO try to do it in person if you can. Except for unusual circumstances (whereby your ex is obsessive and has hassled you non-stop therefore you feel you can only do it via text and not in person or for example they’ve done something unforgivable…….). If you have respect for them then it’s best to try to have the conversation in person.

2- DO cut contact with them after the breakup. This is important but takes a lot of courage to do. This helps promote faster emotional recovery from the breakup. This is a reasonable and effective thing to do so DO put yourself first by taking this step.

3- DO both take time to recognise that this breakup happened for a reason. That person is not your person. You were not compatible otherwise you’d still be together. Sounds harsh but the sooner you accept this, the sooner you can find happiness again.

4- DO NOT try to make the other person feel better. Once you have the dreaded breakup conversation and the relationship is severed, it is not your responsibility to help that person or to support them emotionally. This can majorly backfire as it will make them feel resentful. They may even try to make you feel guilty for leaving and try to get as much out of you as possible. Oh and do not have sex with them. Ever again. Stop!

5- DO talk to someone (for example Or recommend that they talk to someone (for example You will often observe your own relationships poorly and it may not be obvious to you how the breakup has affected you.

For a free 20 minute chat with me head over to my bookings page now!

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carefree person how to stop taking things personally

Stop taking things personally! How to…….

Category:self-help,Uncategorised Tags : 

Stop taking things personally something that is easier said than done, right? It’s also something a lot of us have been told by someone at some point in our lives and if you are being honest, did you take it personally when this happened?

Okay so it’s important for your own wellbeing that you try your best to remain in your energy. Try not take things personally in life, because it can lead you to feel uncomfortable or unhappy.

My job is to make you feel happy and confident, so, I’m writing this post to offer my best tips to not taking things personally.

Top 5 tips:

1) accept that your beliefs are not the same as someone else’s. Your personal beliefs are what shape your interpretation of events that take place. You may believe it’s rude if a person doesn’t respond to your ‘good morning’ greeting in the lift.

Your belief leads you to:

perceive this as them being rude. Stepping away from your beliefs for a moment can help you to think more logically- maybe they don’t speak English. Maybe they didn’t hear you or maybe they have just had a bad experience with strangers in lifts! Try to think outside of your own ‘beliefs’ box.

2) work on worrying less about what people think of you. This takes time and sometimes my clients need guidance to master this. Once you do, it’s much easier to stop taking things personally. From the day we are born, we are conditioned to think we have to be accepted by others. The truth is – not everyone has to like you. You could be the juiciest peach in the fruit bowl and there will be someone out there who just doesn’t like peaches. Accept yourself, that way it’s easier not to take things personally in life.

3) maintain power over how you are feeling. By taking something someone else has said personally, you are effectively allowing them to be in control of how you are feeling.

Try to choose a different line of thought:

you can’t control what someone else says or does, however, you can control your response to it. Just think- if someone served you up some rotten fruit, would you eat it and allow it to have a negative effect on you? Or would you throw it away?! The same goes for comments that are sent your way. Will you listen to it and allow it to affect you negatively or will you ‘throw it away?’ Make a choice!

4) Be aware of the ‘spotlight effect’. We’ve all been there- someone says something. They are looking over at us. We take it personally and it feels like we are being judged or criticised. In actual fact, they probably haven’t even noticed you! The reality is, that look they gave you was nothing. That conversation they were having was not even about you! The spotlight effect is where we are so inside our own head, thus we are acutely aware of our own flaws and weaknesses. We feel that others may notice them too and more often than not, they don’t!

5) let go of the idea of social perfectionism. Not one person on the planet is perfect. We all make or have made mistakes.

When you believe that you have to be perfect, this can lead to:

a constant worry about how you come across to others. It’s ok to worry about what others think of you a little- being social creatures, we all do it! Try to practice letting go of things you don’t do perfectly and have some empathy for yourself. We are always harder on ourselves for things than we are on other people. You are likely judging yourself more than any one else is judging you!! Be kind to yourself too.

Book your free telephone session with our relationship breakup expert here!

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my alone feels so good

How to: be happy on your own

Category:relationship,self-care,self-help,Uncategorised Tags : 

How to be happy on your own and in your own company. 5 tips to train your mind to be better at this. Following on from my previous blog post (do you want to stop feeling lonely after a breakup), here is an article to help you master being on your own and enjoying it!

Some people are naturally happy being solo but for others it can be a real challenge. However, there are always ways to become more comfortable with this (even if you are a dedicated extrovert!).

Having a positive relationship with yourself is definitely an investment worth having. You spend a lot of time with yourself, so you may as well learn to enjoy it!

First let’s separate being ‘alone’ from being ‘lonely’. They may overlap, however they are very different. If you feel content when you are having alone time and look forward to it, this is simply being alone. If when you are on your own, you are filled with sadness and ache for company then you, my friend, feel lonely.

Why is being ‘alone’ seen as such a negative thing?! Ultimately all it means is that you are on your own but this could be such a productive and self-reflective time that leads to all positive things!

Ok lets dive into my top 5 tips to get more comfortable being alone.

Top 5 tips:

1) STOP comparing yourself to others.

Let’s face it, those people who appear to be doing lots of brilliant things, who look like they have an enviable social life are probably just very good at keeping up appearances. Get out of the negative habit of looking at other people’s lives and comparing yours with theirs.

2) BREAK free from social media.

Even if it’s only during the time you are alone or for an hour each evening. If you notice that scrolling through your news feeds are making you feel stressed or feel a strong case of FOMO then this is a huge indicator that you need to wean yourself off the gram!

3) TAKE YOURSELF out for a date.

If even just the thought of going out on your own fills you with anxiety it means you have room to improve your relationship with yourself. Are you are reading this tip and thinking, ‘there’s no way I’m going out for lunch on my own’? Start by going to a coffee shop once a week instead. This will feel more acceptable to you until you have mastered the art of being happy alone.

4) DO NOTHING for 5-10 minutes of your day.

Sounds ridiculous I know. Who tells anyone to ‘do nothing’ but by this I mean literally nothing. Stare out the window, sit in a dimly lit room, let your mind truly wander without any distractions. You need this time to think of brilliant ideas and it doesn’t happen when you are constantly distracted by something.

5) EMBRACE NATURE and go for a mindful walk.

If you have a dog that you have to walk anyway this will be easy to get into the habit of doing, but if not then take a walk around the block to start off and gradually build this up. It’s not just about walking, it’s about taking in your surroundings as you go. Use your senses- what can you smell, see and touch. Try to really be in the moment. This gets easier with practice.

If you are struggling to be on your own after a breakup, book a free 20 minute chat with me here.

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lonely after breakup

Stop feeling lonely after a breakup

Category:heartbroken,self-care,self-help,Uncategorised Tags : 

Stop feeling lonely after a breakup. Are you experiencing a crippling sense of loneliness since you became newly single? You are not alone in feeling alone!

Lots of women are opening up lately about feelings of loneliness. Opening up about feeling this way shows vulnerability and allows others to express their own feelings on the matter. Speaking about it is the first step to stop feeling lonely after a breakup.

These moments of feeling lonely and low will ultimately make you stronger. It will cause you to feel so uncomfortable that the only thing to do is grow from it.

Allow the loneliness you feel to force you out of your comfort zone to meet new people and try new things.

Here are some ideas;

1- get in touch with an old friend who you haven’t spoken to for a really long time.

2- find your passion … the things that sparks fire in your stomach

3- pick a new hobby and dive straight into it

4- make plans. Plan as many things as you can!

5- join a class. Get a friend to go with you if you are nervous.

6- remove toxic people from your life to make room for the good ones!

7- learn to be happy spending time on your own. (I will be posting an article on ways to train yourself to do this next week!)

8- feel lonely and accept it for what it is. That is: a feeling. Allow it to be just that and sit with it for a few minutes or as long as you need. Allow yourself to feel low but then pick yourself back up at some point soon and do something 1-7 off of this list!!!

When you can’t enjoy spending time on your own without feeling lonely it will cause you to stay in bad relationships with people who you lack positive connections with. This is because it gives you a temporary fix of comfort but is not good for you in the long run.

If YOU don’t enjoy spending time with YOU, then how can you expect someone else to want to? But also be prepared to be happy and comfortable on your own and allow positive relationships with people to enhance your life only. Know you will be fine with or without others, because you’ve already built a strong foundation of self love.

If you are feeling lonely after a breakup and need some help, book your free 20 minute chat with me here.

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mindful living photo

Mindful living and how to practice this daily

Category:self-care,Uncategorised Tags : 

Mindful living is all to do with focusing on the current moment whatever you happen to be doing at the time. Ultimately it is about focusing on the ‘now’ and the living in the present time.

Sometimes we can get so caught up in focusing on our goals and thinking about our future plans or even in looking back at mistakes made or our regrets that we may have. So I’ve put together some quick tips to help you practice mindful living in your daily life:

1) meditation- focus on your breathing. breathe in and then connect with this feeling. Then pause and breathe out. Try not to focus on any thoughts that may pop into you head and focus back on your breathing.

2) use your senses more. Practice mindful eating- be more aware of the taste of food and try not to eat on autopilot. When you next shower- notice the smell of the shower gel or soap. Next time it rains- focus on the sound of it pattering on the window. Focus on these things more!

3) start your day with an affirmation. Think of a relevant positive sentence that you will say to yourself when you wake up in the morning.

4) look inward. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important. Be mindful of who you are and of your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Be kind to yourself and work on growing to be the best version of yourself.

5) make your home feel balanced and safe. Keep things clean, tidy and organised to make it relaxing and comfortable. This will in turn help to clear your mind of clutter and help you feel more balanced.

Book your free 20 minute telephone session with our specialist relationship breakup coach here and find peace after a breakup.